you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
