Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I'm laying in your front yard are you home
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
