A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
