i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
