hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
