Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
