I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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