I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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