I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
A bitchslap is in order.
Randomize
