you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
