She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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