that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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