how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Randomize
