My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
