textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
