I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
