woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Randomize
