Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize