I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
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