she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
