I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
