dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
