Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
