did you get engaged???
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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