U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
