Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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