god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
are you so shy because you have an std?
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
