just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
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