guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
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