Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
