This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
