White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
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