i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
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