im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
