After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
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