Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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