I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
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