I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
