Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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