I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
