i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
