he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
