it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
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