I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize