After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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