I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize