I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Come see our sink grown plant.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
