the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
