Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
