Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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