did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
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