I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize