I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
