When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
