well I can't set my house on fire every night
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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