I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
