You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
how drunk are you?
Several
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Randomize
