ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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