i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
