I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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